Run Linda Run...and Heal

Seems I’ve become an expert at running away. Not just an everyday run-of-the-mill, nothing extraordinary runner but rather a CIA/FBI/SpecialForces kind of runner. I deeply and profoundly discovered this hitherto unknown factoid this past weekend at the Women’s Retreat.

Yea, another cog in the wheel emphasizing what a slow learner I am!

When I look at my life, my whole life, I can NOW see clearly that I’ve been running for most of it. I’ve had good reasons and perhaps, some not so good reasons but still, you’d think I would have found a better way to deal with discomfort by now.

Apparently not.  Instead I became a professional.

Years and years ago, during the unhappy days of my extremely long 25 year marriage, I found ways to escape that unhappiness. Weekend hours spent shopping at the mall, movie marathons, and after I got my horse, Amber, long escapades of escape were possible regularly. Arguments sent me to my car. And my favorite long and sustaining practice of escape since youngest childhood – reading.

Running away by escaping in my vehicle has become my drug of choice. In the past, I’ve attracted into my life, a love interest who escaped the identical same way. Did I notice and recognize this wounded and toxic behavior pattern in myself?

I bet you know the answer.

I even got to the point where I wouldn’t accompany certain individuals in their car…I would only go someplace “with” them if I drove in my own vehicle alone. Just in case. Just in case I felt uncomfortable, trapped like an animal, felt my heart squeezing in my chest, etc. These were all people or circumstances where the boundaries on behavior were not well defined. I had not firmly embraced my own self-respect and been crystal clear on how I would be treated.

So I felt I had to have a back-up plan.

Especially after my stroke when emotional discomfort naturally caused stress which then resulted in health issues.

Now I had a GOOD reason to run, or so I reasoned.

About the same time I decided to walk across America (an escape tactic???) and I knew I would be selling my vehicle, I wondered if when I returned, I could live without a car.

Well, I’m back… FOR THE MOMENT…living without a car and I’ve made the decision to keep it that way for at least a year. An experiment. Besides, when I begin the walk again, I won’t need one.

Living in central Florida is not a particularly convenient place to be car-less. But though inconvenient, it is certainly not impossible. I do not live rural and I can walk or bike to nearly everywhere: the post office, the grocery store, the dentist, Wal-mart.

Ok, so getting back to the running away thing. So I’m at the retreat hating everything, resisting everything and being inwardly grouchy as hell. I can’t figure out why. But one thing is for almost sure. Had I had a vehicle…I may very well have left. And that would have been horrible because I had several break-throughs.

The weekend was centered around a process called SoulCollage. You can google it and find out all about it. I cannot explain it here. I had attended a couple other SoulCollage events and found them interesting but for some reason I just was hating the whole idea. Everything was grinding around under my skin. Thank goodness, my sweet friend, Janet, was rooming with me and I felt the freedom to dump all of my angst on her. (Thank-you, Janet!!!)  

Friday morning was spent making the cards (again, please go to the website for further understanding) but not much was revealed to me. However, the afternoon session was when the real revelations began unfolding. I noticed a recurring theme of hardness, coldness and prickliness accompanied by a “leaving” image. Each card had some element of prickles and escape.

YIKES!

And then, the following day, profound soul movement became apparent when I realized that having sold my truck and choosing to remain carless has forced me into a non-run lifestyle.

Because I can’t.

These puzzle pieces were not readily apparent to me until I did the SoulCollage week-end. My soul really wanted to open some more, wanted to soften some more, wanted some acknowledgement.

My soul wants to heal.

I’m here to help.