Answering the Call

It has been almost precisely 7 months since my last post. So much has transpired since that time. When I glanced back over my last several posts from last year, I noticed that I had left some important information out. Perhaps it was because I was clinging to my "anonymity", or maybe it was pride, aka as EGO. I certainly have an extra large heaping serving of that particular character defect. But I find that secrets foster isolation and isolation creeps me into depression and a lot of other malformed crazy thinking.

So I'm coming out. If I am to process my journey here on these pages for you to consume, hopefully anyway, then honesty must be my first policy. Now my caveat here is that more will be revealed. I'm not dumping everything right here and right now.

So all that said to say that I've been in a 12 step program for the past 14 months and it has made a life change in me that is, literally, priceless. I may tell that story another time but for now let me say that without the program and all it's many benefits, I would not be stepping into another crazy wild journey that rivals Linda Walks America. As many of you know who followed me, that was a bridge-crossing that nearly broke my heart. Yet on the other hand, without that total and blind faith (more on that later), I would not be where I am today.

Before the Linda Walks America blog, there was a Meet Me At the Clothesline blog. I've cut and pasted most of it here but some may still be lingering that didn't make it. Check it out. Or go to the right side of the page here, scroll down and click on the earliest posts. I think that is 2007? In any event, most of who I am is splashed out on the worldwide web for all to see. Just saying.

Nearly a decade or more ago, as I was struggling with life and my own demons, I heard God call me. Now don't click away and say "Oh brother, another one of those." Give me a chance. 

A vague kind of niggly knowing was beginning to form. But I knew what it was immediately. Rarely, maybe never, I'd have to think about it, have I actually heard God's voice and if I did, it would not be a loud booming voice. It would most likely sound a lot like my own voice. Just the thoughts would not be mine. That's what happened way back when. I just "knew" that heading into ministry was what I was to do. But just like Moses, I had a million excuses and was quite confident God had the wrong girl. So I did a Jonah and ran like hell. For a long time.

Over the years, God gently reintroduced the thought, again and again. Again and again, I resisted. It always came when I was minding my own beeswax, not during deep meditation and prayer, not when I was seeking deeply but it came at me from (from my point of view) out of the blue. The gentleness with which God first called me slowly changed to a piercing of my heart, an urgency.

About a month ago I was sitting in church minding my own business per usual when on the large screen at the front of the sanctuary was a photograph of a Catholic woman who had just received ordination into priesthood. Her name is Rita Lucey and though she will be excommunicated for her actions, she followed the path that she felt called to follow. To me, it was an amazing story, especially since she is 80 years old. At the moment that my minister told Miss Lucey's story, the arrow pierced me again. No, I'm not Catholic and no, I'm not 80 years old...yet. Miss Lucey's story erased all my excuses once and for all. And boy was I mad!

After church, I got in my car and began a full afternoon of hooting and hollering at God. Not in a praise-worthy way, I promise. I told God I had had enough of this s*#t, I needed to be left alone, I was not going into ministry and how could He/She be trusted anyway....look what happened on my Walk!

By the time I got home I was a crying, bawling mess. I called some people, not really filling them in completely but just blowing off steam. That evening I went to my 12 step meeting and shared precious little about the situation and cried through that entire hour. A couple brave souls asked me who was in control. I blew them off and went home and collapsed into bed.

When I attained consciousness in the morning, before I even opened my eyes, there it was. It hadn't cleared up, disappeared or gone away. I rolled onto my belly, spread my arms out crucifixion style and surrendered. I told God "Fine, I'm Your servant and I'll do everything to the best of my ability to serve you. I will not fight You anymore. Period." And I meant it. Faster than the blink of an eye, I was relieved of all that I had carried for all those years. I felt unspeakable freedom and joy. There are no words that can possible convey that peace that passeth all understanding. The "how's" and the "why's" are unanswerable by me but that's okay...it is not my business.

And I love that nothing much is my business anymore. I'm just doing what I'm told. One step at a time. One day at a time.

I just finished a week of prerequisite classes which I'll tell you about real soon. Next week-end is Prayer Chaplain training and I am very much looking forward to that with renewed enthusiasm.

So all that was said to let you know I will be writing about my journey from here to ordination. I hope you will come with.

Blessings!