The Problem With Expectations

I’m feeling as though I should write about expectations today. Expectations are not my favorite topic because my experience has been that expectations can be fertile ground for disappointment, which can then grow into resentment…the big kahuna of misery. The failure of that expectation “crop” ends right there. One must either decide to plow it under which means it will fester and become an infected wound, or lance it, take it to Source and release it. Forgive and move on.

(Please forgive all my mixed metaphors.)

Anyway, that’s my take on expectations.

I guess things sometimes turn out all great and grand. The sky is blue and the birds are singing and everyone is happy. I think that is rare.

Because expectations are based on other people, places and things responding in MY particular desired way, well…you can clearly see that is a giant recipe for disaster…via resentment.

And resentments are tough. Nearly everyone I encounter, both professionally and personally, carries resentments around in their back pocket. Loads of them. For years. Sometimes for 20 years.

Let’s look at a 20 minute resentment: say the bag boy at the grocery store packed too much stuff in a bag and when you got home and lifted the bag out of the car, the bag broke, scattering your groceries all over the driveway. You “expected” the dude to do his job correctly, which would have resulted in transporting your groceries without incident. Now, do you call the store and complain? Do you drive back to the store and speak to the manager which can cause all sorts of problems for the bag boy? Do you tell your neighbor when she gets home from work? In other words – do you keep it alive, reliving it over and over again?

Now let’s look at a 20 year old resentment: Say you’re talking to a friend on the phone and she mentions that she is disappointed and angry with her husband for not helping her around the house more since he knows she just had surgery. This triggers a memory in you of the time you, too, were in the hospital…blah, blah, blah. You get so much into your “story” that you feel that disappointment and anger all over again. As if it just happened yesterday.

So that 20-minute-old expectation/disappointment/resentment feels pretty much the same as the 20-year-old expectation/disappointment/resentment because we pull all that junk up from the memory files and pop it into the “memory player” and feel it all over again and again and again.

"The Way We Were"

Mem'ries,

Light the corners of my mind

Misty water-colored memories

Of the way we were

Scattered pictures,

Of the smiles we left behind

Smiles we gave to one another

For the way we were

Can it be that it was all so simple then?

Or has time re-written every line?

If we had the chance to do it all again

Tell me, would we? Could we?

Mem'ries, may be beautiful and yet

What's too painful to remember

We simply choose to forget

So it's the laughter

We will remember

Whenever we remember...

The way we were...

The way we were...

So yeah…that’s healthy and helpful and will move us forward in our lives, right?

Not so much!

And all that happened because we expected some person, place or thing to behave or perform in OUR expected way.

So let’s look at a couple things here. Say, for instance:

• ·      You “expected” to be the first one informed when your married daughter became pregnant, but she told her best friend first.
• ·      You “expected” your boss to inform you of changes made regarding your company’s healthcare when you returned from vacation, but she didn’t. When re-enrollment time rolls around, you are uninformed.
• ·      You “expected” your partner to cancel dinner plans with friends and stay home with you when you got the flu. He just left you home alone.
• ·      You “expected” the picnic table and the pavilion to be available for your child’s 6^th birthday party where 14 children were invited. It always was vacant until today.
• ·      You “expect” your adult children to call you daily after surgery but they don’t.
• ·      You “expect” your minister to approach you on a busy Sunday morning and inquire as to how you are doing since she should know and want to support you during your emotional healing.

Regardless of what we might hope, others are not on earth to meet our needs and expectations. They frequently go unfulfilled in the manner in which we had hoped and leave us filled with resentment.

And that’s when the problem erupts to disturb our peace, joy and serenity.

Because WE, AND ONLY WE, are responsible for our expectations and the backlash of disappointment. It’s up to each one of us to end our own suffering, misery and blame. We must stop replaying those old memories over and over again.

We must take full responsibility for our lives.

Cool…let’s do it!