Out of the Mist

I’ve had another revelation. Well, maybe it’s a revelation. Okay, not so much a revelation. But it was a light bulb moment.

I was gathered around a table last night with a group of friends and family, people who are very dear to me, people that I trust. We were chatting about feelings.

Yes, that sticky subject of emotions. Some of us were more in touch with our feelings, more comfortable discussing them. Others of us, myself smack in the middle of this group, admitted we often just felt kind of…whatever? We couldn’t even find a word in this complex and broad English language to describe our feelings. If asked, specifically, how we feel, it’s likely the questioner would receive a mere shoulder shrug as an answer.

And to be totally honest here – and what’s the point of writing on this blog if honesty by me is not preserved – I frequently do not know how I feel. A lifetime of stuffing emotions and NOT feeling them because they were “ugly” or “good girls don’t act like that” or “I don’t care if you’re angry, don’t you dare slam that door, young lady”, years of stuffing leaves one incapable of feeling.

Except anger, anxiety, depression, despair. We feel those alright, right? But that which lies underneath is unknown.

And all those decades of stuffing does not vanish quickly. I’ve been working through my own “stuff” for a very long time and for me it has been dissipating gradually for a while. Time takes time.

But I digress…back to my light bulb moment…as I was listening to all that was shared last night, I realized that I was still missing a piece of the puzzle. And this is tremendously frustrating. I’ve been doing this work, digging and uncovering, for over 30 years. But we never ARRIVE. The journey is never over, well, until it actually IS over.

I went to sleep with that missing piece still working in my subconscious and this morning I awoke with EUREKA!!!!

This may sound so basic, so simplistic; you may be yawning when you read it. That’s okay, someone out there will need this.

I’ve been waking up morning after morning here recently and instantly checking in with myself to see how I feel. Am I feeling full of joy and enthusiasm? Am I peaceful? Am I full of zeal and excited to begin a new day? The reason I’ve been doing this check is because lately I haven’t been feeling all those things. Actually I’ve been feeling kind of low. A quick survey reveals nothing note-worthy. I roll off the bed and onto the floor on my knees. I mumble something unintelligible and unremembered to my Source. I get up and stumble to the bathroom and begin my gratitudes. So yes, I’m up. I’m moving. I’m praying. Sort of.

But the thing I GOT this morning was my resistance to what is. The “is” being how I am feeling. I’m not feeling happy, joyful, peaceful, contented, blah, blah, blah so something must be horribly wrong with me or my connection with God.

Or so I thought.

Resisting my ickiness does not make it disappear. It grows it. My expectations of myself never factor in my humanness. I am not a robot. I have natural ups and downs. So do you.

So what?

You might pick up the “Law of Attraction” thing here: “what you resists, persists”. Maybe, I don’t know.

But what I do know for sure is that as I lay in my comfy bed this morning, NOT resisting any ickiness that I felt, I just accepted it and relaxed into it, well, it just dissolved.

YAY! YAY! YAY!

Have a great day, my friend.