From Rock Bottom to Flying High

My friend Rickie



The following post is taken from a recorded interview from a young man, my dear friend, Rickie Hale. It’s a story of hitting rock bottom and looking to Source to guide you back up. It’s a story of courage and inspiration.

It’s mostly word for word.

I was born in Ft. Myers, Florida. I had an alcoholic dad. I didn’t really know my biological dad but he was physically abusive (to my mom) and drank a lot. He was physically abusive to my younger brother too. I had repetitive nightmares about me locking my brother in a closet. I asked my mom when I was about 8 years old what that was all about and she said it was true. When my biological father got drunk he would get very mean towards my little brother, Troy, because (supposedly) he looked like him. He would have me lock him in the closet sometimes for hours. We would leave (the house) and just leave him in the closet. He was 3 and I was 4. I was addicted to beer at the age of 4 because my biological dad would put it in my bottle. My mother’s parents (grandparents) took me away for a little while because I already knew what beer cans looked like and what beer bottles were so they took me away and took care of me for a year while the divorce was going on.

At this point, my mom met again her high school sweetheart and they fell in love and got married. My mom divorced my biological dad and then remarried her high school sweetheart. He adopted both of us and took us in as his own. Honestly, they did the best they could. I had a happy childhood. My dad’s family was my family. There was never any question or qualms about us being ‘Hale’s’. He adopted us and gave us his name. My first happy memory was when my dad (not the biological dad who I refer to as the sperm donor) but Larry, my real dad and the rest of our family were in court and the judge said “so, you’re a Hale now.” And he had me sign this paper that I was Rickie Hale and I really didn’t know what that meant but I was so excited because I knew I had a dad. I was in boy scouts, we had a great family raising, we had a good life, I rode four-wheelers and camped out and did ‘mudding'. My mom and dad always had mud trucks. I learned to ride a go-cart when I was 8.  Just a great childhood.

 I was 8 years old when I had my first ever (same-sex) experience. My parents were on a bowling league and when we were there one time(at the bowling alley) this brother and sister about 8 and 9 years old asked Troy and I if we had ever French kissed. And we said no, what was that? We had no idea, we were still just playing with our Hotwheels, ya know? And so they taught us. And I knew something was different because my brother kissed the little girl and I ended up kissing the brother…and I liked it. I knew at that moment something was a little “off”.  It might be a little strange that I kissed a boy and liked it.

Around middle school I started feeling really awkward which all middle-schoolers feel. Everything grew in awkward. My arms were much longer than my legs so it looked like had had monkey arms.  My ears, nose and arms were just much bigger than the other parts. I started getting made fun of in school. I learned about my learning disabilities and they put me on Ritalin at that time. Ritalin made me feel different. I didn’t like the way it made me feel-kinda numb and like a zombie. I found out I was dyslexic and had ADHD. I got over the dyslexia when I was a kid which was good news. I did the best I could in middle school. My mom actually let me stay home a lot of the time because I would tell her about being teased and stuff like that. I always felt alone and different. I didn’t understand what that difference was. There was something in there that wasn’t whole.

I did a lot of testing in school. They had me do a lot of reading and puzzles. I liked the puzzles because they said I was really smart and I excelled in puzzles. I wish they had explained more to me when I was in school. I wish they would now cause kids don’t like to feel like they’re stupid. So I was doing a lot of testing a lot I don’t remember much because of all the meds I was on. I told my mom I didn’t want to take any of it anymore.

I didn’t have a lot of friends. I only had one friend and she was my best friend, we grew up together. Her name was Brandy. She kinda pretty much kept me isolated for the most part and I didn’t really mind it because we were always together. Then her dad passed away. Because Brandy’s dad had been on Ritalin and he went crazy and thought he was talking to Jesus and Jesus told him it was time to “go home.” I remember he came to school and told me to take care of his daughters and I thought that was really very strange. And very soon after he killed himself and then I didn’t see Brandy for a really long time because she had a biological mom that I didn’t even know about who came and got the girls after their father died and took them away to NC.  We just had so much in common. It was like we were two peas in a pod. And we just wanted to be together all the time cause we just felt that connection. But the mom came and took custody and took her away.

I started freshman year of HS and this is probably where my addiction began because I felt so alone. I went to school my whole life with the same kids but because I never got to know them it felt like a fresh start, a whole new school. I kinda felt like it was a blessing cause I got to find out who I was. So when I started senior year I had no identity at all. I didn’t even know what kind of music I liked or anything. My mom thought I should get involved with drama so I did. And I loved drama. I also got into German club which I loved. I didn’t want to learn Spanish cause I thought everybody took Spanish. Of course, I wish I had learned Spanish now. I loved my German teacher, she was very sweet.

I was always so frustrated in elementary school and middle school because I felt so stupid. It really made me upset. It would take me longer to read when it only took them (the other students) a few minutes. Drama helped because I had to read a lot of scripts and my German teacher was very encouraging and told me I was very smart. She was the first teacher that ever told me I was smart. And she said you have difficulties but you never let that get you down. You keep trying. I never failed but I was never an A/B student. Mostly always a B/C/D student.

The biggest thing about HS is that was when I began to get into drugs. Some of the drama students introduced me to pot. My cousin lived in a big drug area. So I was introduced to coke when I was 14. My brother, cousin and I went to this house of this guy who was like 30. He looked like a biker. Tattoos and big muscles and stuff. He brought out this white powder and made the 5 young teenagers do it first so they wouldn’t rat on him. I didn’t want to but they made me.  I felt it wasn’t a choice. I was in a bad place at a bad time. So when my brother came to pick me up I was messed up. My dad knew about it at that time and we had a discussion about drugs. Then alcohol and ecstasy were added. I just felt free and it was the only thing that relieved me from feeling so alone and it let me not feel like me which I didn’t want to be.

 It wasn’t cool to come out (reveal being gay) in HS so I waited until after school. I fought it for years because I didn’t want to believe it. It isolates you and you feel like God doesn’t love you and you are going to hell because God doesn’t love you because you’re gay.

Right after HS I met a boy, he was my first love, he was a DJ and his name was Jason. He was really addicted to drugs and alcohol. I began using whole new versions of drugs. We lived in an apartment right above the radio station and lots of people, new artists, lots of drinking and lots of drugs and sex orgies went on. That’s what I thought the gay life was. Nobody stayed together. I really became a really big alcoholic. We broke up and I swore I would never fall in love again because it hurt too much. There were a couple guys I liked and dated but I never let them get too close.

 But when my parents found out that I was gay and had a boyfriend they didn’t condone it. They had a very hard time with me being gay.

I decided to stop drinking and doing drugs. To quit the whole lifestyle and move back home with my parents which they had been trying to get me to do. Stayed off drugs and alcohol for a year. When I did that I met someone online who lived in Orlando. His name was Chris. I wanted a way out of Ft. Myers. I liked him, we had talked on the phone for 9 months and he seemed like an honorable guy and it was my first sense of knowing a nice guy. So I came to Orlando to meet him and found out he had a drug and alcohol problem but was in recovery for it. I didn’t think I had a problem because I had quit, ya know, I thought that was it, I could quit whenever.

We had a relationship for 6 years. He satisfied my needs of co-dependency. He gave me someone to use and that is what I needed at the time. I loved him but I don’t think we could really love each other at that time. He wanted someone to be there for him and he wanted someone to take care of…and that was me. He didn’t want to be alone going through some of the stuff he was dealing with with his drug and alcohol problem.

So we get together and I found out I had something that I didn’t know I had which was Hepatitis B so the first time we ever did anything together I thought I’d killed him. I felt horrible. That never happened before. That made me feel horrible. I never saw myself as a big “sleeper-around” person. I had a few people I was “with” and they were always the same people so I guess I thought that made a difference but it didn’t. When that happened I was scared, I freaked out. But we got through it but honestly I think it was because he didn’t want to be alone and I needed someone to take care of me. Our relationship was very co-dependent. It wasn’t healthy. So about 4 years down the road I started drinking again and I didn’t know why I was drinking so much. I wasn’t happy but drinking made me happy. I didn’t do the drugs so I figured since I wasn’t doing drugs I felt I was OK and I was just a weekend drinker so I felt I could handle it. But when I did drink, I drank to pass out, to not feel anything. At the time it was because me and him were not happy. We were kinda making each other miserable. We had tried a few different things which I wouldn’t ever try again. We tried a four-way relationship once and that was interesting. A great growing experience but I discovered I only want monogamy. Too many brains to think about. I really enjoy monogamy.

3 years into our relationship, both me and his brother who was living with us at the time, began doing pot and alcohol and rather than it being a weekend thing it became a nearly every night thing. Both Chris and his brother realized there was a problem, since Chris was in AA, and I am so grateful that he was.

So during that time, I wasn’t very nice. Chris was supporting me and his brother’s habit. Chris took care of most of the bills. I went to cosmetology school which I was very proud of because it was the first time I got all straight A’s.

But I still realized that I was very unhappy and Chris couldn’t make me happy. I still felt that same old “something is missing” thing. One night I decided I was going to get really “tanked”. On the way home I stopped at Mcdonald’s to get a cheeseburger and French fries. I didn’t want Chris to see me like this, I felt very ashamed. I thought the food would sober me up.  He had already worked the 12 steps and had 6 years clean and sober and had a lot of time to change. Got a sponsor. I thought that it was great for him but I still didn’t think I had a problem. When I got home I snuck in to the garage office. I didn’t want him to see me so tanked. But in reality what happened was I passed out, the French fries went all over the floor, and the burger was half eaten and it, along with vomit, was all over my stomach. Plus when I had pulled in that night with the car, I didn’t get it all the way into the driveway so Chris moved the car so it wouldn’t get hit.

So I guess that was it. We had been arguing and fighting, our relationship was falling apart and me being that drunk was the last straw for Chris. He told me to get cleaned up and we would have a talk in the morning, He had already had a “what are we going to do about Rickie” talk with my best friend, Angie, who also lived with us. They had come to the conclusion that Angie was going to move back to Ft. Myers and Chris had decided to talk to his sponsor and his sponsor had suggested that maybe it was time to let me go. That morning he took me down to Lake Lily and brought the big book (AA handbook) with him. Suggested reading it but I didn’t think I had this (addiction).

So I’m crying at this point but I got kicked out. I was scared. I had already fallen in love with his family. I really loved his brother. I lost my dogs. I lost everything because none of it was mine, it was all Chris’s. I just lived there. That’s a hard reality to wake up to…when you’re 29 years old and you realize that you don’t own anything! I didn’t know what I was going to do so I decided that night after he broke up with me to go to an AA meeting. I was scared because I didn’t want to admit I had a problem. I remember this meeting. It was at Joy Metropolitan Church which is a gay church and there is a house on the property called the Paige House and behind the house there is a cross there with peoples names inscribed who had built the church and I’m standing there all scared and sweaty and disgusting and crying and snot coming out of my nose. I knelt down by that cross and began praying for the first time. I had read the big book that night. I had stayed at a friend’s house and realized maybe I had a problem. So I prayed that God would help me. So I went into that meeting and admitted my life had become unmanageable, I had lost my partner, I didn’t know where I was going to go or what I was going to do. They helped me. It’s not like they take you in or give you a job…they are just there for support.

I was working for Haircuttery, in fact, I still do. They (manager at Haircuttery) also were at that point of saying you need to do something with your life. I also had a car which I couldn’t have kept for as long as I did without my friend Angie and Chris. It’s a harsh reality to realize you use your friends. It’s a harsh reality to learn that the person you think you are, you’re not. I thought I was all good, and I did things for people but not so much. My car got repossessed, I hung onto it for 6-7 mos. I tried, I really tried. But I got a sponsor and really started working the steps and was told that no matter what I needed to pay Chris and Angie back the money they had supported me with. I paid Chris back $3000 and Angie back $1000 until they said enough. That’s enough. I lived in 6 different places, kinda couch surfed. I’m so thankful. Living with a bunch of different people and taking care of myself. Buying my own groceries for the first time ever, those people were not there for that. It felt strange and scary it happened so fast but I felt I was growing up. I wasn’t relying on anybody else. The biggest moment was paying Chris and Angie back and they said “OK that’s enough.”

But since then that hole that I experienced my whole life could only be filled by God. I went to AA meetings, got a sponsor, and started getting sponsors. And I got an apartment of my own. It’s not a mansion but it’s mine. I paid for it. I did lose my car so I use the bus. So I didn’t win the lottery, this place didn’t fall in my lap, I worked for everything and still am. Chris and I are giving our relationship another chance and I’m so grateful he is allowing another chance. Our love is different. We are more like best friends. We don’t rely on each other to make each other happy because it is not possible. You have to learn how to be happy for yourself and then you love others. When I found independence and freedom within  myself…when I learned to love myself…then I could love being with him because he is awesome. After all that now I know I’m ready to be in a relationship.

The miracle I got was love. Love and understanding of people and myself and the small things in life that we take for granted. Like having a bed. I didn’t have a bed for a long time, all I had was a couch. But love and appreciation for that couch.

OK, that’s about it.