Entering a New Dimension

Last week I awoke from sleep lying on my back with my arms crossed across my chest, like a corpse in a casket. I lay there in that position without moving for some time, waiting patiently for a message to bubble up from my subconscious. I felt strongly impressed that I was dying to self...or should be consciously participating in that relinquishment. Interesting that this was happening on the morning of Good Friday and my previous two weeks had been so very emotionally traumatic which pushed me toward the Good Friday experience. I am very clearly moving forward spiritually, or moving upward.

Along with this movement comes pain, sometimes very painful...ummm... pain.

At this very moment, as I type this, I'm sitting at Starbucks across the street from my car fix-it shop. My 18 year old buggy is broken and it's taking every penny I have plus some that I borrowed from my son plus a couple hundred in credit to get her fixed. Now you may be wondering what has this story got to do with the first paragraph...EVERYTHING!! Because these funds had been set aside for ministry costs. Part of dying to self has been to fully "wait upon the Lord". I have had a very bad habit of relying on others to be my safety net. In other words, my faith has been spotty at best. I have said God is my Source all the while twisting the story to fit my need. In other words, to make a long unnecessary story quite short: I HAVE BEEN LYING TO MYSELF!!!

I've broken a relationship which kept me in an obligatory position and disallowed me to be true to me. I'm finding the further I walk in this life that being true to oneself is of paramount importance. I can never expect to find my truest life if I am not living every moment being my truest self.

Okay, so back to the point of this post. As I relinquished these resources to fix my car, I had a few hours of a pity party, singing woe is me and wondering how I was going to proceed with school. I already know God will make a way, though perhaps not in my human time frame. And all of this dying to self stuff is bound to cause some discomfort but the upside is that I feel so very strongly, I can't tell you how very strongly I feel about this: that my hand rests on a door knob. Turning that door knob will allow my entrance into a new dimension, a new level of awareness. I'm tired of merely peeking through the porthole, I want to BE in there where the wonder and excitement of a new world exists for me. I've twisted that door knob a little, heat is coursing through my hand into my body, a greater knowing is coming to me. Yet still I hesitate to plow through the door. It's a little scary. What's on the other side? I know what is on the other side will be so much lighter and clearer than what's on this side. So I cannot stay here much longer.

My deepest desire has always been to help other people live their truest life...be their most brilliant self...to radiate joy and peace far beyond their previous experience. I must KNOW the way to show the way, right?