To Thine Own Self Be True!
I've had some more growing pains recently.
I know what you're thinking..."for God's sake woman, how can someone your age still be suffering from growing pains?" Well the fact is, if we are continually striving to become our very best selves, growing pains will continue through-out our entire lives. And that's a good thing. At least I think so.
As I continue to dig in deep and uncover more and more unsavory Linda stuff, i.e. - nasty, stinky stuff - I have the option of growth or stagnation. I've NEVER been fond of stagnation. I like moving forward. And reaping the rewards.
Let me tell you a little bit more about me.
I'm an introvert. A true, dyed in the wool introvert. I'd happily live in a cabin in the woods all by myself. Well, and with Jack the dog. I'm not talking about shy which is what I used to call myself but an introvert. I've known this my whole life-long. But I hated this side of me. For the longest time I blamed my mother. Or my father. Or my teachers. I always wanted to be like the kids who had no trouble making friends with any one. My entire life I have had only one friend at a time. I've had plenty of casual friends but only one at a time that I could be 100% myself with.
I was jealous of the cheerleader types, the popular girls, the teacher's pets. I hated being me, so very uncomfortable in my own skin. I belonged on the island of misfit toys. Along with the elf that wanted to be a dentist. This has left me feeling "less-than". Always not quite good enough. Not worthy.
I carried this with me into adulthood. Now I have to interject here that NO ONE believes me when I tell them I'm an introvert. That's because I've trained myself to be an extrovert when needed.
About the middle of last month, I was doing some more "inside job" kinda stuff. I found myself depressed which for me means lots of eating and lots of sleeping. We did a meditation at church and I realized that all the unworthiness stuff was like a giant rock that has smashed me flat.
I asked my subconscious for a dream that might be helpful. What I got from that dream was a portion of a Bible verse "bringing light to the dark places." (I think Eph 5 covers all things concerning bringing light to the dark places)
Ok, this is good. I knew immediately that this verse referred to my continuing to try and pound a round peg into a square hole. Trying to be who I am not to accommodate others beliefs about me (this is mostly family members) and also allowing others to steal my power (also family members).
I decided it was time to bring my own truth to light which was an unveiling of my own very uncomfortable cognitive dissonance. Not being true to who I am and who I am becoming puts me at odds with my own self.
Now I've done plenty of forgiveness work in the past (and it is "work") but I knew that since I'm the one who has swallowed all that bologna for all these years, I'm the one that needs to do the forgiving...of myself. After all, I'm the one who has taken it into my being and believed it, watered it and fed it. I'm the one who just swallowed those lies that other people told me about me and I made it all my own truth and lived for years with this belief running my life. I have no one to blame but my own self. I'm the one who needs forgiveness.
So just that awareness, and the forgiveness practice I employed for this situation, has lifted that heavy rock right off of me. Now does this mean I will never have to visit it again? Heck no. The deeper I go, the more will be revealed.
Yikes!!!!!
But now I can at least move in the direction of being true to ME!
I know what you're thinking..."for God's sake woman, how can someone your age still be suffering from growing pains?" Well the fact is, if we are continually striving to become our very best selves, growing pains will continue through-out our entire lives. And that's a good thing. At least I think so.
As I continue to dig in deep and uncover more and more unsavory Linda stuff, i.e. - nasty, stinky stuff - I have the option of growth or stagnation. I've NEVER been fond of stagnation. I like moving forward. And reaping the rewards.
Let me tell you a little bit more about me.
I'm an introvert. A true, dyed in the wool introvert. I'd happily live in a cabin in the woods all by myself. Well, and with Jack the dog. I'm not talking about shy which is what I used to call myself but an introvert. I've known this my whole life-long. But I hated this side of me. For the longest time I blamed my mother. Or my father. Or my teachers. I always wanted to be like the kids who had no trouble making friends with any one. My entire life I have had only one friend at a time. I've had plenty of casual friends but only one at a time that I could be 100% myself with.
I was jealous of the cheerleader types, the popular girls, the teacher's pets. I hated being me, so very uncomfortable in my own skin. I belonged on the island of misfit toys. Along with the elf that wanted to be a dentist. This has left me feeling "less-than". Always not quite good enough. Not worthy.
I carried this with me into adulthood. Now I have to interject here that NO ONE believes me when I tell them I'm an introvert. That's because I've trained myself to be an extrovert when needed.
About the middle of last month, I was doing some more "inside job" kinda stuff. I found myself depressed which for me means lots of eating and lots of sleeping. We did a meditation at church and I realized that all the unworthiness stuff was like a giant rock that has smashed me flat.
I asked my subconscious for a dream that might be helpful. What I got from that dream was a portion of a Bible verse "bringing light to the dark places." (I think Eph 5 covers all things concerning bringing light to the dark places)
Ok, this is good. I knew immediately that this verse referred to my continuing to try and pound a round peg into a square hole. Trying to be who I am not to accommodate others beliefs about me (this is mostly family members) and also allowing others to steal my power (also family members).
I decided it was time to bring my own truth to light which was an unveiling of my own very uncomfortable cognitive dissonance. Not being true to who I am and who I am becoming puts me at odds with my own self.
Now I've done plenty of forgiveness work in the past (and it is "work") but I knew that since I'm the one who has swallowed all that bologna for all these years, I'm the one that needs to do the forgiving...of myself. After all, I'm the one who has taken it into my being and believed it, watered it and fed it. I'm the one who just swallowed those lies that other people told me about me and I made it all my own truth and lived for years with this belief running my life. I have no one to blame but my own self. I'm the one who needs forgiveness.
So just that awareness, and the forgiveness practice I employed for this situation, has lifted that heavy rock right off of me. Now does this mean I will never have to visit it again? Heck no. The deeper I go, the more will be revealed.
Yikes!!!!!
But now I can at least move in the direction of being true to ME!
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