Releasing Negativity

The topic of "releasing negativity" has been on my mind for a long time. Having now lived more than half my lifetime and still finding within myself things that irk me, I feel it’s high time to address these “things”.

It seems that the inner burdens I have been carrying were placed there very, very early in life. My job, which I enthusiastically embraced, was to nurture and care for these items of import. They were mostly off-hand comments made by irresponsible adults: parents, relatives, teachers, and other important caregivers. Even friends, as I grew into adolescence, were valuable contributors to my burden of negative self-image.

Regardless of the precise verbiage, I sucked in what I assumed to be the truth “about me” like a powerful shop vac. I carried with me throughout my lifetime feelings of inadequacy, undeservedness, unworthiness, not feeling good enough, fears of failure, the list could be endless. I think you get the idea.

Admittedly, I sat on the couch of some well-respected therapists and counselors and worked on releasing these beliefs. I did inner child work that was both terrifying and fascinating, however these exercises brought me no closer to relief. I kept dream journals, repeated affirmations, and wrote long lists of all my positive attributes.

All these exercises kept me busy and reduced my finances quite a bit but did little to help me release these false beliefs.

Actually…THAT languaging did resonate…”false beliefs”! Huh, well that was something to ponder. Still, it took time for me to connect the dots, to connect the idea of false beliefs to my ideas about me.

I don’t know about you, but my thoughts and ideas about myself are not usually “spot on”. I deceive my own self more frequently than I care to admit. I can’t see the forest for the trees, so to speak. Not on purpose, usually, it’s just the way I’ve learned to cope. If I acted on how poorly I unconsciously thought about myself, I’d never be able to get out of bed in the morning.

Moving forward…soon I heard about “releasing that which no longer serves”. As I took that idea into meditation and prayer, it was clear I had a whole truckload of items that no longer served me. So I participated in releasing ceremonies, especially at church on New Year’s Eve. A metal barrel, aka trash can, was set up outside the sanctuary with a fire burning in it and everyone dropped their piece of paper-onto which they had written their “old stuff”-into the barrel releasing and burning up that year’s old business. Me too.

Yet I still thought I was scum. No good. Unable to succeed. At anything.

Fast forward to my water fast. One of my intentions when I entered my fast was to get clarity. Clarity on me. Who I am and why I’m here. Yes, of course I had the broad picture. But I wanted to go deep. And I got what I wanted. I went deep. By the way…deep is beautiful!

On one of my fasting days, I was inspired to do another burning ceremony. Another releasing of that which no longer serves me. So I did. I wrote down on a piece of old paper every crummy thing I could think of that I have thought about myself for my entire life. And I took it outside and set it aflame. I had a little candle and then I smudged myself and the area where I sat with sage. It was a lovely, divine moment. Just me and God.

The ash remains of my "list"

And this time it “took”. :-)